Guys are so goddamn flighty.
That is all.
June 29, 2011
June 15, 2011
Come back! Your blog is great!omfgfekjawjeflaj-deactivated201
This made me smile.
I hate that I’ve strayed away from this place. Long story short, my “tumblr worlds” have collided a little bit. I want to write here. I will write here starting now. There is so much happening!
Thanks so much for following!
April 27, 2011
April 21, 2011
April 20, 2011
release
I spent most of last night crying. I think, maybe, it was because I spent time talking about him to people earlier. Talking about this man that I knew for 11 years that is now a stranger to me. He’s a disappointment, but that’s not why I cried. I don’t miss him. I don’t feel hurt over him. Not having him makes me wildly happy. Thinking about him though, in a relationship, instantly dependent on another again and not alone made me reflect on all of the crazy emotions that he will never feel. All the enlightenment that will elude him because he wasn’t brave enough to wander alone and be lost.
I cried over lots things. Tears of thanks for the great people I have in my life now. Tears of pain for being lonely. Tears of yearning for feeling loved. Tears of fear for not knowing what lies ahead. Tears of mourning for the girl that I once was. Tears of celebration for the woman I am becoming. It came in waves. I would stop and wonder at this life, this beautiful mess that I am. Then it would come again… at a song, at a memory, at a reflection. It filled my eyes, my throat and my lungs. It twisted my muscles into knots, only to release them into warm relaxing comfort. I felt scared. I felt overwhelmed. But I also felt free.
I’ve said it before, that you don’t realize how much you are missing by numbly moving through repetitive motions. Pull the rug out from under your own feet, fall on your face and wake up… you will instantly see all of the emotion in life that you were missing. All of it glorious, but completely terrifying. The pain, the hurt, the fear… it’s all just amazing as the love and the happiness. The tears, they are all of this, out of me and into the world.
April 18, 2011
on to the next one
After a trip to Chicago in a little more than a week, I’m planning another getaway. I’m going to DC to visit an old friend from high school. He was “the one who got away”. Although that makes the trip a little more intriguing, I anticipate having a great time catching up with someone that meant so much to me 17 years ago. We’ve made a point not to catch up too much in anticipation of seeing each other. I don’t have any expectations for anything more than that. Honestly, I don’t think I want anything more than that at this point. I’m pretty much over the idea of dating or even “liking” someone right now.
But, I never say never, because happiness comes in many forms, in many places.
It’s somewhat likely that I may just come home from Chicago a smitten kitten…
April 17, 2011
April 14, 2011
April 12, 2011
cut.
I used to be really great at cutting negative/hurtful people out of my life. That was before I started valuing my relationships with people so much.
I need to make cuts, and it hurts, and I don’t want to. I just know, deep down, that what has bothered me all day hasn’t at all bothered the person who put me here. And it’s not the first time. And it feels intentional. So, for all that, I need to move on. The value they had in my life used to outweigh the times that my buttons would get pushed, but now there isn’t much value to offset the frustration. I want people to value me, as much as I value them. That’s not a lot to ask. Right?
April 8, 2011
that girl
I met the ex’s new girlfriend this week. By meet, I mean that I introduced myself and my friends to her and she went on her way. Then pretty much avoided me, which was fine by me. My friends said she seemed slightly catty during the introduction. I didn’t see it, but it doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that I didn’t give a fuck.
I didn’t give one. single. fuck.
I’m glad he’s happy, or whatever she makes him. I’m happy too. Alone.
April 6, 2011
I’m out.
I’ve booked my very first solo trip EVER IN MY LIFE. Other than visiting my family in PA, I’ve never gone anywhere without the accompaniment of a spouse. I’m so excited. Also nervous, and I’m not sure why.
I’m so lucky to have met such great people. I’m so lucky to get to travel to see them. I’m so lucky to get all pretty and then shitfaced drunk with them.
And maybe even make out with a cute boy…
March 31, 2011
March 30, 2011
crazy
Life is crazy. I’ve always heard that sometimes you find a friend or support in people you would least expect. I can now say that I know this to be true. I would have gotten through the past few months without him, but it wouldn’t have been as easy. He kept reminding me that I was deserving of happiness, that someone would find me worthy enough of being important to them. He never pried. He only lightly nudged me out of my comfort zone. He became the first person I thought of when I needed to vent or when I wanted to smile. We became somewhat consumed with each other. He had someone to focus his scattered attention on and I had someone to sweeten the bitterness of my pain.
But, life is crazy, and things have shifted. He is no longer that person. Life has swept him up, and more important things rule. Which is how it should be. Which is how it was before, only reversed. I wish I could be there for him, the way he was there for me, but I’m not. The best I can give doesn’t feel like it’s nearly enough. I feel guilty for missing him. I feel guilty for the moments when I wish things were like they used to be, because I’m not being fair.
He’s important to me, maybe too important… or maybe not enough. All I know is he will be someone that I will forever love as the unexpected best friend a girl never knew she could have. Sometimes it’s more than that, for me, but it’s enough. Regardless of missing him and missing then, I would do anything I could for him. To see him succeed. To see him happy.
Life is crazy. It forces things to be difficult. It tests you. It takes what you want. It piles on what you don’t want. It makes you miss things. It breaks you. It leaves you confused and lost. But… it grants you with happiness in the strangest of places. Love. Peaceful moments. Wonder. Beauty. People that you are forever grateful for. I want to try to be that person to as many others as I can. Always.
